The Crystal Medical; Christmas Songs!

I had a medical today. I'd been losing sleep over it for the past few nights, because I hate medical exams. As a worrier and pessimist, I always imagine the doctor will make a few cursory examinations, then say "You are one unhealthy fucker and you are never allowed to eat red meat or drink beer again. Also: DIABETES."

Thankfully that didn't happen today: I don't have the results but there was no frowning or consternation. I also think I heard the word "bueno" after my blood pressure test, which would be an improvement, and mean that walking four miles a day and being on my feet during work is doing some good. So all is well-ish, touch wood.

The medical itself was almost fun, with a variety of little challlenges and tests, sort of like a low-budget Crystal Maze. First up, I had to put some liquid into a tube - y'know, just like those games they used to have in the Aztec Zone with the waterfalls! Then they put me in a little chamber with headphones on and I had to press the button at the right time - oh no, what if I do it wrong and get locked in? Finally, I had to take my shirt off and had large pegs and strange 1970s-looking electrodes attached to me, and it was just like... actually, that bit was just weird. In Richard O'Brien terms, it was more Rocky Horror than Crystal Maze.

Never mind though, it's December! Fuck Yeah, I Love December. It's when I let myself start feeling Christmassy, and Fuck Yeah, I Love Christmas. So here's a special treat for this month: you can have some nice music, while can do what all bloggers really just want to do all the time and make a list of my favourite things. Here begins:

JOE'S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

#1. The Fall - (We Wish You) A Protein Christmas

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When I was (for a short but excellent while) in a band, Owen suggested we do a cover of Protein Protection by The Fall. I knew fuck all about The Fall at the time, but I heard the song, liked it, and had some fun covering it - it's a propulsive, bassy gut-churner of a song with a stony, roaring chorus riff. It's the song that got me into the genius of The Fall, got me buying the albums and downloading the rarities and eventually stumbling on the song I'm talking about.

(We Wish You) A Protein Christmas is a seasonal re-jigging of Protein Protection and was released on an obscure-ish Fall EP. Why anyone would bother recording a Christmas version of a good but hardly notable album track is an open question, but it's not my place to question the mind of Mark E Smith. The killer riff I used to play in the band is still there, but it's now covered in sarcastic, half-arsed choir voices. The great thing about the new version is MES's typically warped idea of what should constitute a Christmas lyric, mostly sung from the POV of a resurrected Jesus: ("How I wish I had never gone away ... menus for hampers / why did I come back? / I came back to Earth, the only thing good to say / is all the politicans are on holiday"). The rest is reassuringly nuts, as the scariest "Ho-ho-ho" ever gives way to a quick burst of the original lyrics, as if MES only just remembered in time what song he was meant to be singing. If your Christmas Day usually involves angst, alcoholism, antagonism and anxiety (not uncommon, let's be honest), then this is your soundtrack.