It Ain't Over Yet

Merry Christmas! Don't complain that it's late, there's no way it's over yet. I'm still playing with my new toys, and we're still looking up the TV in the big festive Radio Times. Also, I'm not working, which helps to keep seasonal spirits up: this time last year, I was trapped in a depressing call centre at "LoanAssured" (now liquidated), trying to convince people to re-borrow all the money they'd just spent on food and presents. I am a sinner, and do not expect to be forgiven.

So it's Saturday, I've just reminded myself. Like everyone I lose track of the days of the week around this time of year. It's confusing, because only some of the days have names: the Radio Times goes Monday, Tuesday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, Saturday, Sunday, and I feel like I've missed half a week, even though I obviously haven't. It just puts my mind out of joint a bit. Maybe around this time of year, we should just do away with the days of the week altogether and give all the days special names. My 2009 winter calendar is going to look like this:

20th December
21st December
Have I Done All My Shopping Day
Not Allowed To Eat Anything In The Fridge Day
Christmas Eve
Christmas Day
Boxing Day
Re-Boxing & Taking Back Day
I Should Really Be Doing Something Eve
I Should Really Be Doing Something Day
Fuck It Let's Just Watch Lord Of The Rings Day
New Year's Eve
New Year's Day
International Day Of Awesomeness
International Boxing Day Of Awesomeness
4th January
5th January

Anyway, because Christmas isn't over, I'm not late with the last of

JOE'S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

#5. Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas

I'd hoped to upload this entry a week ago, from the airport on my way home, to give a bit more meaning to the song and seem more like a hip young "travel-blogger", but apparently Portugese airport Wi-Fi isn't free. Can you even imagine? It's like the stone age. Anyway, this is the best easy-listening song ever. I worked in Debenhams one Christmas, and this was the only thing on the constantly repeating album they played that didn't make my ears physically itch. I love it.

Distortion; Your Child Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad.

JOE'S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

#4. The Magnetic Fields - Mr. Mistletoe

OK - technically, this is not one of my top five Xmas songs of all time. It's nice enough, but it doesn't do much, and it's a bit mopey even by my standards. It's only really in this list so I can bang on about Distortion, the album it's taken from, which I've been a bit obsessed with recently.

Download it - or better yet, buy it.

It's a concept album, and the gimmick's in the title: every instrument played on every song on this album is wreathed in wheezing, delerious distortion. It sounds stupid, but it works, and it gives a sort of woozy coherence to what might otherwise be quite an eclectic little set. Stephen Merritt's lyrics are as good as ever: "Sober, life is a penance / shit-faced, it is a blessing" kicks off the acapella intro of the riotously depressing "Too Drunk To Dream". Other highlights are gay voodoo sex ballad "Zombie Boy", which is just fucking disgusting; "Old Fools", which creaks and groans (like old bones) under the weight of its own prettiness; and "Courtesans", a closing track that could make a stone cry. It shimmers, this album. I like it a lot.

Anyway, I've got Parents Evenings (first time ever) for the next two days. Should be interesting. Have to dress up a bit, give a good impression (I've washed my nice shirts and jumpers, and I'm even tempted to give my shoes a polish. I feel worryingly grown-up). It's conducted in Spanish, which is a bit worrying; most of my practical Spanish so far has been used to buy things, so it'll be fun to see how I adapt to telling parents their kid is great/boring/evil. Words to brush up on: "work", "attitude", "difficulties", "effort", "progress", "mopey little arse-face". This last hurdle to get over, and it's the work do on Friday. Odds of seeing the bosses drunk: 2/1 on, from what I've heard. Fun!

1 week.

Carpets. A bath. A garden. Toast. The Pub. Pints. People. Match Of The Day. Eccy Road. The Park. Snow? Presents!

Little bit homesick.

Christmas Cheer.

JOE'S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

#3. Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You



No fucking arguments.

Another Christmas song.

Hello folks! Not much going on over here other than a much-needed long weekend: religious holiday on Monday. Thank God (literally) for the Immaculate Conception, eh? So then, here's another installment of

JOE'S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

#2. Mud - Lonely This Christmas



OK, let me justify myself. Yes, it's incredibly cheesy. Yes, the singer is doing an Elvis impression. Yes, the video is terrible and yes, there is even a spoken-word passage in the middle eight. So far so godawful, but it's all forgivable, because it's got a fucking killer hook. I honestly think the chorus of Lonely This Christmas is one of the best bits of pop music of its decade. Amongst all the fluff and insincerity of the rest of the song, it stands out as really simple and genuinely sad.

I do love Christmas, but at the same time it brings up some sad memories for me. No howling depression, but a few regrets, a few lonely wishes. But it's Christmas, so I can smile, and go to parties, and do all those daft family traditions that we all do, and have a good fuckin' time. This song does the same thing: putting on a happy face, just like we all do sometimes.

Also, that big bombastic slowdown before the second chorus is a belter, a real guilty pleasure. All together now: "IT ... 'LL ... BE ... ... LONELY, THIS CHRISTMAS..."

The Crystal Medical; Christmas Songs!

I had a medical today. I'd been losing sleep over it for the past few nights, because I hate medical exams. As a worrier and pessimist, I always imagine the doctor will make a few cursory examinations, then say "You are one unhealthy fucker and you are never allowed to eat red meat or drink beer again. Also: DIABETES."

Thankfully that didn't happen today: I don't have the results but there was no frowning or consternation. I also think I heard the word "bueno" after my blood pressure test, which would be an improvement, and mean that walking four miles a day and being on my feet during work is doing some good. So all is well-ish, touch wood.

The medical itself was almost fun, with a variety of little challlenges and tests, sort of like a low-budget Crystal Maze. First up, I had to put some liquid into a tube - y'know, just like those games they used to have in the Aztec Zone with the waterfalls! Then they put me in a little chamber with headphones on and I had to press the button at the right time - oh no, what if I do it wrong and get locked in? Finally, I had to take my shirt off and had large pegs and strange 1970s-looking electrodes attached to me, and it was just like... actually, that bit was just weird. In Richard O'Brien terms, it was more Rocky Horror than Crystal Maze.

Never mind though, it's December! Fuck Yeah, I Love December. It's when I let myself start feeling Christmassy, and Fuck Yeah, I Love Christmas. So here's a special treat for this month: you can have some nice music, while can do what all bloggers really just want to do all the time and make a list of my favourite things. Here begins:

JOE'S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

#1. The Fall - (We Wish You) A Protein Christmas

Download

When I was (for a short but excellent while) in a band, Owen suggested we do a cover of Protein Protection by The Fall. I knew fuck all about The Fall at the time, but I heard the song, liked it, and had some fun covering it - it's a propulsive, bassy gut-churner of a song with a stony, roaring chorus riff. It's the song that got me into the genius of The Fall, got me buying the albums and downloading the rarities and eventually stumbling on the song I'm talking about.

(We Wish You) A Protein Christmas is a seasonal re-jigging of Protein Protection and was released on an obscure-ish Fall EP. Why anyone would bother recording a Christmas version of a good but hardly notable album track is an open question, but it's not my place to question the mind of Mark E Smith. The killer riff I used to play in the band is still there, but it's now covered in sarcastic, half-arsed choir voices. The great thing about the new version is MES's typically warped idea of what should constitute a Christmas lyric, mostly sung from the POV of a resurrected Jesus: ("How I wish I had never gone away ... menus for hampers / why did I come back? / I came back to Earth, the only thing good to say / is all the politicans are on holiday"). The rest is reassuringly nuts, as the scariest "Ho-ho-ho" ever gives way to a quick burst of the original lyrics, as if MES only just remembered in time what song he was meant to be singing. If your Christmas Day usually involves angst, alcoholism, antagonism and anxiety (not uncommon, let's be honest), then this is your soundtrack.